My eyes wandered lazily over the floors of the school. I noticed nothing and yet everything as dozens upon dozens of feet passed by. That girl was crying because her boyfriend dumped her. Not that it was a bad thing, it hurts when what you think could last forever doesn't; There was a boy, not quite a man, trying to find his place in the world by extreme dieting and conforming to the norm. He could never accept himself, not when some people didn't like him. It's a common disease in todays world. Don't we all want to be loved? ; A flirt, who didn't understand that she was smart and could become so much more if only she applied herself, and yet was the most distant of them all. She never told me about her home life. Not really anyways.; A biologist in the making. She knew what she wanted to do, and how to get there, but thanks to sleep deprivation, she was slowly falling apart from the inside.; Finally there was the last female. A sad little thing who thought that the world was over. I don't know how her mind works. She doesn't even really mention why she's always so sad. It hurts all of us to watch her sink farther and farther into her depression. But what can we do? We are no doctors after all.

Every day had been the same for me since that fateful day in april. I suppose it had always been like this. I just never opened my eyes to the real world till it hit me in the face. The days were so drab, boring, lacking in the sparkle they once had when I was new to the world and unaffraid to be me. I never called what I was feeling depression. I never hurt myself purposefully, except for once, and I'll never do it again. I had thought of suicide, but not actually commiting the act. It was more or less a philisophical thing. I was just bored with life. Still am really. I used to love to draw, but my drawings were simply little things. Anime, a dog... Nothing special. Anyone with a little talent could cough up the same shit I did every day. My friends, the two who actually enjoyed drawing, drew anime too. Yet they made it work. They gave theirs life. I had always defined myself in terms of 'the girl who could draw anime better then anyone of her friends.' Boy, was I wrong. So where does that leave me?

Apparently, it leaves me here. With a keyboard and a million ideas buzzing around in my head and no way to get them out. The girl who 'wishes she could focus enough to arrange her ideas and writte a novel just so her mind would shut the fuck up.'

I thought about writting an autobiography when I couldn't think of a good introduction to my novel. That should be easy enough, right? I mean, it's my life. I know exactly how it's played out. I know every plot twist, heart break, conflict.... But my life story thus far, only seventeen years in, isn't worth the time. What has happened to me really? The same stuff every teen goes through. Love affairs, run ins with alcohol, loosing friends, the chance to make new friends. Parents splitting up, fights, counselling, tear filled nights. Some days when I feel happy and nothing can ruin it for me, and others when i just want to close my eyes and sleep until the world is a better place.

Seeing as how that turned out to be a failure as well, I decided to write this. A little place to dump everything. I wasn't using this journal for anything else. And I sure as hell didn't want to waist my time creating a new account on some other sight. In all reality, if you don't want to listen to me whine, just don't read what I write. No ones forcing you too. Damn, that sounded bitchy.

Moving on, the friends I mentioned above are still my friends. What I wrote there wasn't to harm them, or for anyone to start insulting them. It was just an observation. I love them dearly, but who can I really talk to about this? It's hard to put into words from the mouth. Written words just work better for me when expressing my feelings. So that's what I'm doing.

And now my brain has just died. Therefore I'm ending my rant for the evening. I'm expecting to update this rather sporadically.